Week Fifty Five: Two A’s in Abba

Each year we do 26 compilation tapes which run through artists that begin with the same letter. We’ve just started the 2016 marathon and Steven thought it would be nice to share this long journey with you. So, trainers and running vests on. Here’s Abba and the video where Bjorn nearly falls in the archipelago:

Aswad next and another lyric change from Steven – “Shine into the future. But don’t sit on a burger. You’ll get sauce on your shorts”:

The next track rose to prominence in Steven’s eyes when it was featured in the soundtrack to Mrs Doubtfire. And like the redoubtable nanny, we play this song when we’re doing the hovering:

All Saints were from that same era as the Spice Girls and I remember when Steven was trying to learn all their names one day, he let out a big sigh and said, “There are too many Mels in the world”:

Next up pop pickers a group we had just a few weeks ago but Steven likes them, especially as Andy Fairweather Lowe is Chris Lowe’s brother:

A relaxing Sunday morning music session in Cowley wouldn’t be complete without the odd crooner. And they don’t come much odder or croonier than Andy Williams:

Another from our occasional series of “Pop Stars in Spectacles”. This video prompts a mixed reaction in Steven. Soppy because he likes the hair extensions but scary because of the long finger nails:

A staple from our annual holiday cassette now and one that prompts one of the support workers to shout – “Let’s throw our shoes off and dance in the sand”. Steven’s not too sure about this because we don’t want a passing shark to gobble up all our shoes:

From the same era as “all those Mels”, thankfully we can say that there is only one Dane Bowers. But Dane does silly talking because “bomb diggy isn’t proper words”:

We try to stop Steven getting into very repetitive talking by saying “One more time” before we repeat back for a second time. In today’s final offering, The Archies come very close to breaking that rule:

Week Fifty Five: Two A’s in Abba

Week Fifty Four – Party In The New House

We’re still in a bit of a honeymoon period in the new Cowley house. We keep going to a drawer for a spoon and find it’s the tea towels drawer. And nobody has mastered where Steven’s long pyjama bottoms reside. It’s all a bit crazy:

We are a bit bonkers in Cowley. Steven has a whole collection of songs that you can dance to whilst sitting down. The dance involves stilted, pointy head movements from left to right. You can try it at home to one of his favourites from this genre:

A housewarming wouldn’t be complete without a whole medley of dance classics and this one prompts Steven to introduce: “It’s Disco Tex and the Sexy Betties”:

To make a party go with a bang, one needs some drinks. Steven will have orange juice and the support workers will have some coffee:

If you put Steven on the spot, he would argue that the whole point of a party is to have lots of food. Forget the lager – just dish up several plates and bowls of crisps:

Replenished, we’re back on the dance floor and Steven continues his maxim of what’s the point in getting up to dance when you can do it just as easily sitting down:

Then it’s time to whip out the karaoke machine and we get spoilt for choice, knowing that Steven knows the words to at least 500,000 songs. This is a favourite of his because he can do the actions too:

Back in the late 90s/early 00s, BBC1 used to air the annual Smash Hits Party around Christmas time. We’ve got a few of them on VHS and here’s a clip of Five being a bit laddish from the 2000 show – “Abs – don’t throw your coat on the floor. Might get a bit of spider poo on it”:

One party that has gone down in Neary family history is the one at the ATU where Steven launched his first escape bid whilst everyone else was doing the conga. A genius plan was foiled by a passing vicar in glasses. This isn’t a vicar in glasses. This is Jarvis Cocker:

Time for a smooch song to end the night. Steven doesn’t like smoochy songs – well he doesn’t like smooching but he might like the song. So this week’s show ends with the sort of song that Steven will tolerate a romantic smooch to:

 

 

Week Fifty Four – Party In The New House

Week Fifty Three: Moving Buddies

It’s a big day today. Steven is moving to his new home. He’ll still be a Cowley man. This is the song we’ll probably be singing as we drive to the new house:

Over the past few weeks we’ve been explaining to Steven that the walls in the Cowley house are being knocked down, hence the move. This has prompted an anxiety that “Steven Neary won’t be squashed by the wall bricks like Paul Weller:

Another massive anxiety the last few days has been that we might leave something behind. The number of times Steven has gone through his list (over 400 items) that have to come with us. “Going to put my Good Life DVD in the box like Gnarls Barkley”:

Will we have one final look back at the Cowley house as we leave this morning? I know that one thing that Steven is really looking forward to – saying goodbye to stairs. “Goodbye stairs – can go to the toilet downstairs in the new Cowley house”:

Yesterday we said goodbye to Ranjit, the sweet shop man, who has kept Steven in Cheddars and bourbon biscuits for the last three years. Our new sweet shop man is Jay – “Like Jay in Five”. We know what his signature song is going to be:

Watching Toy Story last week, Steven became gripped with the panic that he won’t have a moving buddy. Then we met one of the removal men, who is called Luke, which set Steven off into imagining that Luke from Bros will be his moving buddy:

We managed to dissuade Steven from having every single room painted green (it would have been like living in a giant lettuce) but he will be delighted that his bedroom is painted a “cool green”. With a green door:

Steven was aware of Wizzard before he became aware of The Move. Of course, The Move was from a time before Roy Wood lost his razor out of the bathroom window and Mrs Pickering trod on it and cut her plimsoles:

Since Steven came home from the ATU, he has always wanted reassurance that he is living in the Cowley house “forever and ever”. For the first time in six years, we’ll finally be able to give him that pledge:

Steven isn’t big on large parties, so there’ll be no big house warming party tonight. But we might settle down with some Pringles, a glass of Tizer and some Robert Kool:

Week Fifty Three: Moving Buddies

Week Fifty Two: Massive First Year

It seems incredible that it has been a year since Steven Neary’s first massive radio broadcast. And how ironic that he ends the first year with his final broadcast from the Cowley house. We move next Monday, so Wi-Fi permitting, the second year of shows begins from Steven’s new home. To celebrate the first year, he’s repeating 10 of the tracks that received most favourable comments this year (so no Coldplay then):

“Steven Neary’s doing massive rude words. It’s Do The Hucklefuck”

“It’s Barry Manilow when he was a young man with a different face”.

“Baccara – you can’t get a boogie in your nose. You get a bogie inn your nose”.

“Steven Neary was a bad boy when he threw Valerie’s handbag in the water at the Mencap Pool”.

“Muriel and Rhonda – I’m not impressed with you. Seatbelts please”.

“Billy Ocean looks a bit like Des Elliott (the manager of Steven’s gym). Billy Ocean doesn’t get all sweaty doing his pushing and pulling”.

“Dad. You can get it if you really want it. Steven Neary really wants some blue Chipsticks”.

“Carry on regardless. Charlie Hawtrey doesn’t go to The Beautiful South”.

“Can’t stand on the table in the pub. Might tread in the Hoola hoops”

“KEITH – TAKE THOSE RUDE WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND THROW THEM IN THE BIN IMMEDIATELY”.

Hope you’ve enjoyed the first year of massive songs. Here’s to Year Two……….

Week Fifty Two: Massive First Year

Week Fifty One: Lumpy Sick

Beryl Reid used to say that if someone ever said anything disgusting to her she would shout “Ooh – lumpy sick outside pubs”. If ever Steven sees a pile of lumpy sick outside a pub, he runs past it full throttle with his hands over his ears:

This next track didn’t make it into last week’s geography lesson but you may notice from the video that David Rotheray is missing. Bet you didn’t know that he was at the dentist after chipping one of his teeth on a Werthers sweetie:

Steven used to like watching Channel 4 after coming home from school. Countdown, Fifteen To One and then the Ricki Lake show. The latter was a precursor for Jeremy Kyle and had lots of shouty people saying rude words. Here is Ricki on a day when nobody is shouting rude words:

Here’s that man again who looks like Des, the manager of Steven’s gym. Des had one catchphrase – “Keep going Steven” as he paraded the gym looking for people not pulling their weight. So, whenever we hear a song by this next chap, we have to say, “Keep going Billy”:

Adam, Steven’s personal trainer used to try and encourage exercise on days when Steven didn’t go to the gym. So on Monday nights as part of our journey to the shop to buy some Rolos and a banana milkshake, we’d run up Hillingdon Hill. It was worth it just for the chocolate treat but we never told Adam about that part of the regime:

Steven knows two people called Colin Bridges. That’s okay in real life but must never happen on TV. He was furious with Heather in Eastenders when she called her baby George Michael. There is only one George:

Steven is never sure whether “Sucker” is a rude word. It sounds like another rude word that we never say. Eminem never says sucker but he does say the other word quite a lot:

This next song is just plain daft. How on earth do you get seven little girls all sitting on the back seat of a car. Without a seatbelt! There’s not enough room for even three people on the back seat of Ali’s car:

We’re a bit partial to some Talking Heads in the Cowley house and prompts the joke, “Dad – it’s Talking Heads. Not Talking Feet. Don’t have a mouth in your feet”:

Today’s encore comes courtesy of Abba and is one of their lesser known tracks. This is featured on the “History of Abba” DVD and has a chap called Anders who used to conduct the brass section for this track. This has given rise to the line – “Anders, don’t leave your trumpet in the living room. Bjorn will be very cross with you”:

 

Week Fifty One: Lumpy Sick

Week Fifty: Geography Lesson

The themed weeks are coming thick and fast. This week is dedicated to Andrew Irvine, Steven’s favourite geography teacher (who also had a penchant for dressing up as Dame Edna for the Christmas play). The first track combines geography with Uncle Wayne’s favourite football team:

The next track combines geography and history because on Steven’s “The History of Abba” DVD, their appearance at Eurovision also included a chap dressed up as Napoleon. Here’s the best use of an Abba song ever in a film:

Sticking with a Waterloo connection, Steven cracks one of his jokes over this next track – “Terry and Julie? Mummy Julie didn’t go to Waterloo underground with Terry from East 17. What are you talking about Ray Davies?”

Jetting across to the States now and we’re spoilt for choice with songs about New York. Steven chose this one because he wouldn’t like a frog in his hand – “Frog might do a shit all over Steven Neary’s fingers”:

Steven hasn’t got an Uncle John. He had a Granddad John. And his uncle has a brother called John. So, he’s forced to improvise with this next song and will only sing: “Uncle John from Cowley High Road”:

Of course we all know about the time Mr Bean went to America. He stayed in LA. This has confused Steven as he believes from the bottom of all his heart that LA and Los Angeles are two different places:

Steven never really took to the support worker in the ATU who came from Australia. It may have been because he had never appeared on Home or Away. Or it could be that he didn’t know all the words to this song. Not knowing lyrics is a sure fire way to get deleted off Steven’s Christmas card list:

This next video is another good laugh. Have a butchers at Cher Theakston dressed up as Elvis Pressley. “Hey Cher – you don’t want Sonny to step on your blue suede shoes”:

Just checking your paying attention. What was the name of Steven’s geography teacher? Andrew Irvine. And what is one of the places name checked in the song? Irvine. Altogether now – “Andrew Irvine no more”:

 

Our whistle stop tour of the globe ends in New York. Steven used to love the programme “My Parents Are Aliens” and this song always sets off reminisces of the time Sophy managed to get inside Mel’s body and impersonated her for a day at school. For what it’s worth – Steven has no intention of morphing into anyone else (except perhaps Basil Fawlty):

Week Fifty: Geography Lesson

Week Forty Nine: A Numbers Game

Another theme week this week. Songs with numbers in the title proved very useful with Steven’s maths homework. We’d say “Steve – what’s a Beautiful South song plus an Adam Ant?” (Answer by the end of the show). Here’s the first part of the sum:

There are three types of door in Steven’s door compendium: a front door, a back door and Youssou N’Dour:

Three Little Birds reminds Steven of the time we came across four little birds in a nest in Court Park. Steven thought they looked a bit hungry and broke off a piece of his Solero to give them. The four little birds weren’t impressed:

The difference between odd and even numbers was one arithmetical bridge too far for Steven but this track helped a little bit:

Shuffling up the odds and even numbers were Steps. “Dad – it’s Steps’ first song of 5,6,7,8. Hello Faye – you haven’t got your frizzy hair yet. Nice costume”:

Steven knows that Hollywood is in America but every time we see Nicola Sturgeon on the news at Hollyrood, he gets very disappointed because he expects Holly Johnson to suddenly appear:

Another song that burst its way into Steven’s consciousness via the Churchill adverts. And Martin Clunes in a motorcycle combination was a source of endless anxiety – “Martin Clunes, don’t crash your motorbike into a massive tree. No More Men Behaving Badly for you Martin”:

“Steven – can you count backwards?” said the social worker. “Yes”, said Steven and proceeded to countdown from 30 to 1 whilst walking backwards into the hall:

Steven is a bit intimidated by Heather Small. I think it’s the deep voice but whenever she appears he has a cushion ready to cover his face in case she tells him off:

And finally and so you can finish off your maths homework before you go off to work, shopping, college, wherever, here’s Mr Ant:

Week Forty Nine: A Numbers Game